Today's blog post is going to be about a tricky concept to write. Grief, the thing we inflict on our characters. Or in some cases, we procrastinate killing off that one guy so we don't crush the main character. But I'm not doing that at all, this is just an example, really! (is avoiding Eroendia)
So how do you portray this, and make it realistic? What are some things to do, or to avoid? In this post, I hope to tackle some of these questions.
So how do you portray this, and make it realistic? What are some things to do, or to avoid? In this post, I hope to tackle some of these questions.
Note that everyone grieves differently, reacts to situations in different ways. No one's life and personality is exactly the same as another's.
For more information about the grieving process, also consult my earlier posts, 'Stages of Grief' and 'Reality of Grief'.
Don't gloss over it, please.
If you'll allow me to go on a rabbit trail for a moment, I'd like to mention one of my pet peeves in stories. And that is, the character loses a friend or family member. It's bad, boo-hoo, the character mourns the death. And then we move on with the plot again. It'll be mentioned in passing that yeah, it was just so bad. But unless the character falling to pieces and totally coming UNHINGED is a major plot point, we just bury Whozit and then continue with the storyline.
Reality check. When someone close to you dies, that's not how it goes. At times, a character might seem to be doing all right to the untrained eye, but grief is a long process. A long, long, long, long, long, long... oh man, when does it end?!
The reason people gloss over this is likely because they don't want the character to seem weak, or have their grief distract from the main plot. You don't want the warrior falling apart for seven pages when he has a dragon to slay. Or maybe the one writing the story just doesn't know how to go about portraying it.
But if you do your research and write it well, it won't be that way at all. A character can grieve without seeming like a wimp (yes, even a gruff 'macho' man), and you can portray that they're having a hard time without bringing the plot to a screeching halt or flogging a dead horse.
It typically begins with denial and shock.
If the character's loved one is dying or just died, they may not be willing to admit it. Surely something can be done to prevent the death. Or maybe they only hear about the passing of said person/sentient dragon/pet/etc. They wonder if perhaps the body was misidentified, or the one relaying the news is lying.
Besides that, the character will be in shock. They'll feel helpless as they watch the light leave the eyes of the wounded elf, perhaps don't know how to react. Perhaps your character will be crying hard. Other times, they'll feel numb. Ultimately, shock is about a strange sense of emotional numbness much of the time. More about this later.
They'll have a hard time with things associated with the deceased loved one.
Perhaps Harry always practiced the flute with Bob. They talked, laughed, composed music. But now Bob is gone, and Harry just can't bear to pick up the flute again. He doesn't even want to look at it, really. It just brings up too many painful memories.
Or maybe they can't bear to go through that person's belongings, even if it needs to be done. Maybe they get teary-eyed about a gift they were given by said person. The day, or the entire month, of the death will be hard to get through.
Grief comes in waves.
I think it's sort of a self-preservation method the brain employs. One can only cry and scream and be in agony for so long without going completely to pieces. But the grief can only be held back for so long. So the mind handles things in shifts. The character will have periods where they feel awful, and times when they're doing better. And if the death has just occurred, the character will be in a state of shock.
They won't be emotionally stable for a while.
They'll go through periods where they're all over the place. They might blame themselves or others for what happened, or constantly think, 'what if'? At times they'll be frustrated because things are so hard, and be prone to anger over what would normally be minor annoyances or nothing at all.
Or they'll feel apathetic, unmotivated to anything. Imagine your once-neat character just letting the house be a mess. Piles of dishes fill the sink, the vacuuming hasn't been done in a long while, and a daddy longlegs spider has taken advantage of things by making a web in the corner of the living room.
They might also feel like many people don't understand their loss. Or they need friends and family more than ever, but at the same time may become withdrawn.
Healing takes time.
As mentioned earlier, grief is a long, long, long process. Except with more 'long's. Your character might still be having a hard time a couple of years after the event.
And even after they've accepted the new reality without their loved one, and have managed to get through the rocky stretch of the grieving process, the death will still be there. They won't forget said person, and there may be an occasional moment when a memory brings up an ache in their heart for the one they lost.
So there's my two cents on the subject. Some guidelines on how to write it, and a few things to avoid. Does anyone else have things they'd like to see done with this in writing, or wish didn't appear in stories?
For more information about the grieving process, also consult my earlier posts, 'Stages of Grief' and 'Reality of Grief'.
Don't gloss over it, please.
If you'll allow me to go on a rabbit trail for a moment, I'd like to mention one of my pet peeves in stories. And that is, the character loses a friend or family member. It's bad, boo-hoo, the character mourns the death. And then we move on with the plot again. It'll be mentioned in passing that yeah, it was just so bad. But unless the character falling to pieces and totally coming UNHINGED is a major plot point, we just bury Whozit and then continue with the storyline.
Reality check. When someone close to you dies, that's not how it goes. At times, a character might seem to be doing all right to the untrained eye, but grief is a long process. A long, long, long, long, long, long... oh man, when does it end?!
The reason people gloss over this is likely because they don't want the character to seem weak, or have their grief distract from the main plot. You don't want the warrior falling apart for seven pages when he has a dragon to slay. Or maybe the one writing the story just doesn't know how to go about portraying it.
But if you do your research and write it well, it won't be that way at all. A character can grieve without seeming like a wimp (yes, even a gruff 'macho' man), and you can portray that they're having a hard time without bringing the plot to a screeching halt or flogging a dead horse.
It typically begins with denial and shock.
If the character's loved one is dying or just died, they may not be willing to admit it. Surely something can be done to prevent the death. Or maybe they only hear about the passing of said person/sentient dragon/pet/etc. They wonder if perhaps the body was misidentified, or the one relaying the news is lying.
Besides that, the character will be in shock. They'll feel helpless as they watch the light leave the eyes of the wounded elf, perhaps don't know how to react. Perhaps your character will be crying hard. Other times, they'll feel numb. Ultimately, shock is about a strange sense of emotional numbness much of the time. More about this later.
They'll have a hard time with things associated with the deceased loved one.
Perhaps Harry always practiced the flute with Bob. They talked, laughed, composed music. But now Bob is gone, and Harry just can't bear to pick up the flute again. He doesn't even want to look at it, really. It just brings up too many painful memories.
Or maybe they can't bear to go through that person's belongings, even if it needs to be done. Maybe they get teary-eyed about a gift they were given by said person. The day, or the entire month, of the death will be hard to get through.
Grief comes in waves.
I think it's sort of a self-preservation method the brain employs. One can only cry and scream and be in agony for so long without going completely to pieces. But the grief can only be held back for so long. So the mind handles things in shifts. The character will have periods where they feel awful, and times when they're doing better. And if the death has just occurred, the character will be in a state of shock.
They won't be emotionally stable for a while.
They'll go through periods where they're all over the place. They might blame themselves or others for what happened, or constantly think, 'what if'? At times they'll be frustrated because things are so hard, and be prone to anger over what would normally be minor annoyances or nothing at all.
Or they'll feel apathetic, unmotivated to anything. Imagine your once-neat character just letting the house be a mess. Piles of dishes fill the sink, the vacuuming hasn't been done in a long while, and a daddy longlegs spider has taken advantage of things by making a web in the corner of the living room.
They might also feel like many people don't understand their loss. Or they need friends and family more than ever, but at the same time may become withdrawn.
Healing takes time.
As mentioned earlier, grief is a long, long, long process. Except with more 'long's. Your character might still be having a hard time a couple of years after the event.
And even after they've accepted the new reality without their loved one, and have managed to get through the rocky stretch of the grieving process, the death will still be there. They won't forget said person, and there may be an occasional moment when a memory brings up an ache in their heart for the one they lost.
So there's my two cents on the subject. Some guidelines on how to write it, and a few things to avoid. Does anyone else have things they'd like to see done with this in writing, or wish didn't appear in stories?
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