Saturday, November 28, 2015

Bottomless Pit

Throughout the time my older brother was growing up, he was always a head taller than the rest of the class, and thin. When he was taken to the doctor for a checkup, the doctor would tell our mother, "He's underweight. You need to feed him more."
My mother replied, "He eats breakfast. He has a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Then he eats lunch, and then a peanut butter sandwich. He eats dinner. How much more can I feed him?"

Friday, November 20, 2015


My parents were living on a base in Germany when my brother was born. Sometimes they bought American milk, and sometimes they bought German milch, which is processed differently than American milk.
When my brother, then a baby, was given a bottle of milch, he would happily suck it down within a short period of time. When he was given American milk, however, it was another story. He would take a sip, then throw it down as though utterly disappointed by it. After several minutes, he would pick up the bottle again, give it an experimental suck, then throw it down again, disgusted by the inferior liquid. It would often take him well over an hour to finish a bottle of the American milk.

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Writing Speed

Sometimes, writing comes quickly and flows well. Other times, a cloud of ADHD floats into the room and hovers over a person's head, making it difficult to make much progress. Below is an example of the writing process during a time of short attention span.

"You've got to be one of the craziest..."
Let's see, what word shall I use to complete the sentence? Hmm, how does my character speak again? What sort of words does he use? Let me just go back and look. Okay, I've decided on a word.
Great, my parents are calling me. Better go see what they want. Okay, I'm back now.
"...I've ever seen."
There's that gnat again. Die! (clap, clap) Cool, I got it. Of course, now I have to wash my hands.

Monday, November 2, 2015

How to Tell if You're Not Athletic

Some people are better at sports and other strenuous activities than others. While there are those who can run ten miles and juggle fifty objects at once, others struggle with the simplest of tasks. Here are some ways to tell if you're destined not to be an athlete.

  1. You duck because something was flying toward your head, but it turns out to be the shadow of a ball that is ten feet away from you.
  2. You're crouching at the start line for track tryouts, but when the high school coach blows the whistle for everyone to start running, you slip on the dirt and face-plant.
  3. You struggle with a three-pound dumbbell.
  4. You tried to learn how to jump rope, but became hopelessly tangled up, and it took four people to finally free you.
  5. You reach up to catch the frisbee, but it collides with your face instead, leaving you with a bloody nose.
  6. You find yourself out of breath during P.E., and it was just the warm-up before the actual activity.
  7. You have a phobia of someday being killed by an airborne football.
  8. Your most embarrassing moment was when you got onto the treadmill, and it started at maximum speed when you turned it on, causing you to fly across the room and smash through a window.
  9. You can relate to Charlie Brown when he strikes out in baseball for the umpteenth time in his life.
  10. When playing sports, you often score points for the other team by mistake.
  11. Your friend bought you a tennis racket for your birthday, and you thought it was a cheese grater.