Sunday, September 27, 2015

Typos and Other Misadventures

I started writing this fantasy story, and was really getting into it. After a couple of pages, though, I started feeling tired, and thought to myself, Maybe I should go to bed. Daylight Savings Time had recently occurred, and I had stayed up rather late the night before. Nevertheless, I really wanted to keep writing.
However, after the woman walked in and set the door on the counter, and the girl was too wary of her to sit down on the cough, I decided I should stop for the night.
Typos can create interesting results, sometimes reaching fantastic proportions. Am I the only one who has typed a word, then realized I hit all the wrong keys, in the wrong order, and created utter gobbledygook unrecognizable as the word I meant to type?
Or there are just certain typos that are easy to make, typos that are rather common. We ought to make typos such as 'sotry' into real words, just so we can say "Well, technically it's a word."
And of course, there's the fact that the 'Caps Lock' button is placed rather inconveniently, making it easy to accidentally hit it when reaching for another key. I don't know how many times I've been typing, then looked up at my screen to see an entire sentence in capital letters.
I'm also talented at occasionally reaching for Backspace and pressing F11 instead, and OpenOffice brings up a menu I didn't want. But at least I haven't mistakenly pressed the 'Self-Destruct' key yet. (Why do they make those self-destruct buttons on everything when they know cartoon characters are so clumsy?)
However, some of the mistakes made are simply because our brain messed up. Setting the door on the counter just can't be excused as an error in typing. Nor can the infamous typing the same words twice in in a row. Despite how frustrating these errors can be, though, you have to admit that some of them are worth a laugh.

Sunday, September 20, 2015


Ah, the plastic container. Perfect for putting away those leftovers you just couldn't eat. Of course, the plastic containers are not without their imperfections.

Take, for example, the dreaded lids. You take out a container, then search for the lid that matches it. Finally, you find a lid of the precise shape and size you need. You then put everything into the container and try to put on the lid. Despite the fact that the lid should fit, it won't go on. Perhaps it's one of those containers where the lid is simply finicky. You try harder. You use a different tactic. Still it won't seal.
Then someone walks by and looks at what you're doing. "That's the wrong lid." they say.
"What? This is the right lid!" you exclaim in frustration. "It's the same size and shape as the container!"
"No." they reply. "That's the lid that goes to the container that looks similar to that one."

Then there's the containers that are all identical to each other. You grab them from the dishwasher and go stack them up in the cupboard. That's when you realize that the size of the containers differ by one millimeter, so they're not stacking properly. You then go through an elaborate ritual to get them stacked properly by their corresponding (and almost imperceptible in difference) size. This issue, of course, often corresponds with the issue of lids that look like they fit but actually don't.

This, of course, is all an ingenious scheme. People in the container companies plot evil things. "Now, we'll sell this set, then the next year, we'll sell another set that's very similar-looking, but the lids from the previous set won't fit the new set! And we'll make the shapes and sizes differ very slightly, in such a way that nothing will fit properly or stack properly! Mua ha ha!"
Scientists are actually supporting this horrible thing. They're running a study on how these types of frustrations affect the sanity levels of people. So far, hundred of people have gone mad and thrown lids and containers out of second-story windows because none of the lids fit any of the containers. And another thing: scientists have designed tiny robots that sneak into people's houses undetected and steal random lids and containers. "I could have sworn we had the lid that fit this container." Not any more, you don't.

The moral of the story: Keep your doors and windows locked, don't trust plastic containers, join a support group, and invest in a lifetime's supply of Ziploc bags. Oh wait, the zipper broke...

Monday, September 14, 2015

Long-Distance Nap

I recall one day when I decided to call one of my friends. She soon came onto the line, sounding tired. She explained that she had just got back from a long trip and was worn out.
Nevertheless, we ended up talking for a while anyway. The conversation was rather interesting, as she would frequently say something, and later forget she had ever mentioned it. She had invited me to come over to her house later at least fifty or sixty times during the time we were on the phone, and when I pointed out that she had already done so, she had no recollection of it.
At one point, she grew quiet for a long while, and I started saying her name and trying to get her attention. The silence lapsed for a few minutes, until finally she returned. She apologized for falling asleep, and I suggested that perhaps she should get some sleep and call me back later.
When we did talk later, she was more rested and her memory was better. She still didn't remember much of what she had said to me in our prior conversation, though, and invited me to her house again.

Monday, September 7, 2015

Wonders of the Womb

A newborn baby faces many strange things when they enter the world. They have spent the last several months in a nice, dark, warm place. They get free food, free lodging, and free tickets to concerts by bands like Heartbeat.
When they're born, however, they are suddenly forced into a world that is cold, loud, and has painfully bright light. Therefore, it is no small wonder that they come out with their eyes tightly shut and have little interest in opening them, and that they sometimes cry even when their parents have tried everything to make them happy again.
Even stranger, they are put into these odd things called clothes, which makes most of their body vanish. I could have sworn I had fingers and toes when I was born. What happened? Everyone else around me has them.
Another oddity is that food no longer magically appears inside of their bellies. Gradually they must learn that there is another use for their mouth than sucking their thumb. Again I ask, where is my thumb? I'm really starting to miss having it.
There are also these odd people, who the baby has never seen in their life, but vaguely recalls their disembodied voices yacking at them, accompanied by something touching the walls of the infant's room, as though they thought it fascinating to feel the baby practice their left hook. Now these people have bodies which can be seen, and which they use to pick up the baby and put in odd-looking things like cribs, none of which are anything like that wonderful bed the baby once had when in that dark, peaceful room. Some of these people also claim to be the child's uncle, and speak to them as though they've known this uncle forever, when in reality the only time the uncle was anywhere nearby was when he talked to the baby before their ears had developed.
Another thing the baby sorely misses about the womb is that it muffled some of those loud, annoying sounds. Now people laugh much louder, and that yapping of that scruffy little dog is much more irritating.
As a result of all these things and many more, it's no small wonder that some mothers complain about their baby's due date being long gone, yet the child is still stubbornly refusing to move out of their lovely room. Obviously these children heard from someone or suspected for themselves that the outside world isn't all it's cracked up to be, and so are choosing to remain in that nice place they've lived for so long. Pretty wise, if you ask me.