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Wednesday, August 15, 2018

Reality of Shaving

Every commercial for razors is a lie. The adverts depict a beautiful, smiling woman effortlessly sliding a razor over their perfect, smooth legs. They claim shaving is effortless with their product, that there's no irritation and you get a perfect shave every time within three strokes of the miracle blades.
The reality, however, is much different. If they wanted an accurate depiction of shaving, they should show uneven Kevlar hair, and a woman running the razor over it four thousand times with limited success. Her frustration grows, her skin begs for mercy. Towards the end, she's screaming in agony and her tortured flesh is irritated beyond belief. The perfect model then throws the razor out a window and vows never to shave again.
Note the aftermath, in which the skin may be sensitive for days after this horror. Oh, and the victim's underarms have stubble of at least thirty different lengths, looking more like a molting chicken than the hairless pipe dream companies often falsely advertise.

Granted, this isn't very persuasive advertising, That's why companies hire rare individuals with short, sparse, and virtually transparent hairs. After scraping the razor over the skin four billion times or forcefully ripping out the hairs, they cover the abused skin with makeup and film the woman pretending to shave.

And seriously, every commercial for shaving depicts a woman who has no hair to shave. Why not show someone with real-life hair, actually trying to shave it? No tricks or gimmicks like ads often do, demonstrate how well the product really works. And hand me a bag of popcorn and some tissues, I'll want a snack for the show and something to wipe away my tears of mirth. On second thought, maybe I shouldn't eat popcorn. I'll choke on it from laughing so hard.

But shaving poses many questions and theories. Why isn't this working like it ought to? Maybe it was just a crummy razor. You try a different one, and repeat the steps above. Then you begin to question your shaving abilities. Are you doing it wrong somehow? But you've tried holding your arm at different angles, the razor at different angles, many variations of the razor stroke in every conceivable direction. Still the hair remains. You wonder if perhaps your body hair is a rare anomaly in nature, incredibly tough; virtually indestructible, in fact. Centuries from now, if someone dug up your grave, they would find nothing preserved except bones and armpit hair.
Then you enter the final stage of your fury. Why is shaving even necessary? Why has society forced this misery upon us? Men aren't required to shave their underarms or legs. It's just not fair! Cue the part where you vow never to shave again, as mentioned in paragraph two.
And then some formal event comes up and you're wearing a sleeveless dress, or you have a momentary lapse of insanity, and you pick up the razor again. I can hear the accursed blades cackling evilly now...

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