Neopian Logic

When you've been wandering the world of Neopia as long as I have, you notice some odd things. What seems nonsense on Earth is normal on Neopia. Today, we're going to discuss the strange logic behind things on the popular website Neopets.

1. What do you mean, this tiny thing weighs eighty tons?

Seriously, look at the weights on items some time. For example, Sophies Rocking Chair weighs 1 lb. The Cookie Jar weighs more than that, at 5 lbs.

As shown in the image, the fireplace weighs in at a whopping 1 lb. Note that the Tall Table Lamp on top of it weighs 4 lbs.

But that's not all, folks. We've seen lightweight items, almost ready to float away. Let's also consider objects much heavier than they ought to be.

At least they chose a fitting name.

2. The Sisterhood of the Neopian Pants. They're magic, really!

Let's consider the xweetok and the eyrie. Two vastly different species, with different sizes. The xweetok resembles a chipmunk and is about 30 cm tall, while the eyrie resembles a griffin and is about 160-170 cm tall.

Now let's try customizing them. Oh look, it seems that the same pair of trousers fit both of them! Now, how does that even make sense? And really, it's the same with any clothing. A true one-size-fits-all shirt, or pair of shoes, of whatever strikes your fancy.

Or for even more fun, what about neopets with different body types? Take the hissi, which resembles a winged snake. The trousers magically become one-legged. Or the kiko, which doesn't have legs, just forearms. The trouser legs vanish into thin air, accommodating the kiko's shape.

But forget vanishing trouser legs. What about multiplying trouser legs? Try putting them on a ruki, which has four legs and resembles an insect, and see what occurs.

Ta-da! It's a perfect fit!

3. We like to mynci around with linguistics.

Let's consider the mynci, a neopet species resembling a monkey, for just a moment. The news page from June 2000 announcing the new species said it's 'Welsh for monkey'.

Now, how on Neopia do you even say this name? Well, let's look up the pronunciation, shall we?

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a... mwn-sea?

So according to the Pronunciation page on Neopets, 'mynci' would be pronounced as 'mwn-sea'. Come on, now, there's not even a vowel in that first syllable. Obviously, 'mynci' is an odd word. But how did they even come up with it, anyway?
Well, to answer this question, let's analyze the species name. If you were to apply the spelling and pronunciation rules of the Welsh language to the name, 'mynci' would be pronounced... exactly like the English 'monkey'. So it literally is Welsh for monkey.
Moving on to the pronunciation. The actual word that means monkey in Welsh is 'mwnci'. If you were to guess at the pronunciation based on English, it might sound something like 'mwn-sea'. And of course, 'mwnci' isn't actually pronounced that way. It's 'moon-kee' ('oo' like in book, not boot).
Let's look at some trivia from JellyNeo, a Neopets fansite. Although the pronunciation page says it's 'mwn-sea', in the game 'Techo Says', you hear the species name as 'min-see'. Probably another bit of wordplay. since 'mynci' looks to be pronounced that way. The article also mentions that one of the founders of Neopets, Adam Powell, is Welsh. Therefore, he was likely the one who came up with the name.
Our hats off to you, Adam. Today we give the golden wordplay trophy to you.

4. I believe I can fly! And I'll defy the laws of physics to do it.

We all know those cartoon creatures with wings too small for them to possibly get off the ground. Yet they do, and fly around effortlessly. Here's a prime example of this.

Elephante with alabriss petpet

Consider also that the elephante isn't exactly feather-light, either. Doesn't matter. In fact, it matters so little, we have this:

Wings are overrated.

How do kikos even float, anyway? It defies all logic, just as the elephante. Do neopets and petpets have air sacs? Magical abilities? Is the gravity on Neopia insanely low?

The world may never know...

5. EXTREME WEATHER!!!

If you think the weather report where you live is bad, don't look at what your neopets are suffering through. You'll have nightmares.

Such pleasant weather in the Lost Desert. And keep in mind this is during autumn. Summer is worse.

Places like Neopia Central, Altador, and Tyrannia often hit temperatures over 100°F (38°C) during the summer. Neopia must be a tad closer to the sun, or something. But at least it's not Moltara, a city deep beneath Neopia's surface. Temperatures have been known to exceed 150°F (66°C).

As an added bonus, it doesn't matter where you are on the planet. Unlike Earth, in which the northern and southern hemisphere experience opposite seasons from each other, the season is the same throughout Neopia.

But at least summer doesn't last forever, and at least not all places are like that. Some places have comparatively milder weather. Or even better, wonderful coldness. Terror Mountain, for example, is high elevation, and always snowy. Lovely, right?
Yes, there are places in Neopia with decent weather. Oh, great, it's raining mortogs again...

6. It's repetitive! And redundant!

So we have neopets, right? Sentient creatures, yet we still call them 'pets'. Interestingly enough, neopets can have their own pets, which are called petpets. Unlike neopets, petpets are just like animals, and actually match the definition of a pet. 

And of course, this petpet looks like a living skeleton. Yet another non-sensical thing from Neopia.

And as though that wasn't enough, The Neopets Team went on. Let's create petpetpets! What are petpetpets, you might ask? Basically, they're little bugs that might attach themselves to your petpet. And of course, they can't be called something that seems normal or predictable. No, 'petpetpet' is much more fun to say.

You're not my pet, you're my personal annoyance.

7. Am I a planet?

Let's look at the Neopedia, shall we? Yes, Neopia has its own encyclopedia. According to this source, Krawk Island is about 80 miles from Mystery Island, and Neopia Central is 175 miles away from Haunted Woods.

If one takes measurements of the world map, it appears to be done roughly to scale. That would mean 1 pixel on the map equals about 4.7 miles. So the diameter of Neopia is approximately 1579 miles, and the circumference about 4960 miles. So where does that leave the world of Neopia?

Pluto has a diameter of 1471 miles and a circumference of about 4494 miles. Pluto's surface gravity is about 0.067, meaning something which weighs 100 pounds on Earth weighs about 6.7 pounds on Pluto. 

So technically, Neopia is slightly larger than Pluto. Logically, Neopia's gravity should be very low, possibly very close to Pluto's. Unless, of course, Neopia is unusually dense, or there's some sort of magic affecting its gravitation field.

8. Highly illogical.

Another great thing about Neopia are the things that make no sense. Useless items, or things that no sane Neopian could possibly want.

For example, once you light a fire in your Snow Fireplace, it's going to melt into a beautiful puddle. Or if the temperature in your neohome gets above 32°F (0°C). Hopefully your home insurance covers water damage.

There's also the more revolting items. Who would put these in their neohome, really? That idea totally stinks. A nice, smelly bed for you to sleep in, sounds great. And that toilet seems kind of ironic, don't you think? Not as bad as the bath tub, though, which defeats the purpose of bathing altogether.

But then there's the school supplies. It makes tons of sense, especially since the Neopets staff later cancelled their plans to make a neoschool feature for your pets. The neoschool never happened, yet the items and the school supplies store remain. I guess you could do homeschooling?


9. Mmm, borovan.

Cold day in Terror Mountain? Why not start a roaring fire (don't use the snow fireplace, obviously), wrap yourself in a blanket, and enjoy a steaming cup of borovan?
What is borovan, you might ask? Why, the iconic, super refreshing, much-loved Neopian beverage! But how does one make this tasty drink?

Your borovan recipe, courtesy of JellyNeo.

Ah, of course! Hot chocolate just isn't complete without some asparagus flavoring brought in! Nor is asparagus complete unless its juice is extracted and mixed with hot chocolate. No, you certainly couldn't have one without the other, right?
And in case you want a new spin on borovan, you can also drink Iced Borovan, Vanilla Flavoured Borovan, and Orange Borovan, just to name a few. Or you can have foods made with borovan, such as Asparagus Borovan Lasagne, Borovan Doughnut, Borovan Ice Cream Scoop, or perhaps a delicious Delicious Borovan Crepe.

Borovan is so epically awesome, it has its own day dedicated to it.

But of course, let's not forget the most important thing: the person who created this lovely concept. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present: Adam Powell! (again)

10. Gross Food- now with 20% more toenails!

I wish I was making these up. But unfortunately (so unfortunately!) I'm not.

Maggot Stew, Snail Sub, Slithering Snake Taco, and Dr. Backwash.
I've never been so appetized in my life, how about you?

But of course, one of my personal favorites is the Toe Nail Soup. The description of it brings nail fungus to mind. Mmm, mmm, such delectable, flavorful soup.

In case you haven't lost your appetite yet, or lost your cookies, there's more. Now, the logic behind the below picture is fairly obvious. Stale or fresh, black jellybeans are revolting. Who could enjoy black licorice-flavored jellybeans, or black licorice itself?

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And the conclusion we can draw from all of this? Neopia is a crazy place to live. But it's also extremely entertaining, and we just keep going back there.

So that's all for now, folks. Tune in next week, when we explore more aspects of my insanity and nerdiness!

This exciting episode of The Light Within brought to you by:

Neopets
JellyNeo
DrSloth
Wiktionary
Writer's Insanity













*No petpets were harmed in the making of this post. All stunts were approved by the Petpet Protection League.
**We are not responsible for sanity lost while on this page, thefts by ghosts or the Pant Devil, mewling kadoaties, or other unpleasant random events.