Wonders of the Womb

A newborn baby faces many strange things when they enter the world. They have spent the last several months in a nice, dark, warm place. They get free food, free lodging, and free tickets to concerts by bands like Heartbeat.

When they're born, however, they are suddenly forced into a world that is cold, loud, and has painfully bright light. Therefore, it is no small wonder that they come out with their eyes tightly shut and have little interest in opening them, and that they sometimes cry even when their parents have tried everything to make them happy.

Even stranger, they are put into these odd things called clothes, which makes most of their body vanish. I could have sworn I had fingers and toes when I was born. What happened? Everyone else around me has them.

Another oddity is that food no longer magically appears inside of their bellies. Gradually they must learn that there is another use for their mouth than sucking their thumb. Again I ask, where is my thumb? I'm really starting to miss having it.

There are also these odd people, who the baby has never seen in their life, but vaguely recalls their disembodied voices yacking at them, accompanied by something touching the walls of the infant's room, as though they thought it fascinating to feel the baby practice their left hook. Now these people have bodies which can be seen, and which they use to pick up the baby and put them in odd-looking things like cribs, none of which are anything like that wonderful bed the baby once had when in that dark, peaceful room. Some of these people also claim to be the child's uncle, and speak to them as though they've known this uncle forever, when in reality the only time the uncle was anywhere nearby was when he talked to the baby before their ears had developed.

Another thing the baby sorely misses about the womb is that it muffled some of those loud, annoying sounds. Now people laugh much louder, and that yapping of that scruffy little dog is much more irritating.

As a result of all these things and many more, it's no small wonder that some mothers complain about their baby's due date being long gone, yet the child is still stubbornly refusing to move out of their lovely room. Obviously these children heard from someone or suspected for themselves that the outside world isn't all it's cracked up to be, and so are choosing to remain in that nice place they've lived for so long. Pretty wise, if you ask me.