Land of Scorpions

Enclosed are directions for living in an area plagued by scorpions.

1. Walk around the house and suddenly feel a stabbing pain.
2. Find a scorpion in the region you were walking, lying flat on the floor to divert suspicion.
3. Pick up a shoe and smash the offending creature, then clean up the remains.
4. Wash hands to remove any traces of arachnid guts.
5. Dry hands on a terry cloth scorpion.
6. Repeat steps 3 and 4, then use a safe hand towel.
7. Search every nook and cranny of the house for more scorpions.
8. Satisfied that you're safe, lie down on the couch or bed.
9. Be stabbed in the face by a pillow.
10. Repeat steps 3 and 4, grumbling all the while.
11. Go to bed, your dreams plagued by giant scorpions with glowing red eyes.
12. Wake up and get dressed.
13. Scream in agony and throw shirt across the room.
14. Repeat steps 3 and 4.
15. Fantasize about living in the Arctic Circle, where it's too cold for scorpions to thrive.
16. If you didn't move to a scorpion-free region, start over at step 1.

For more information about living among scorpions, please consult Choose Words Carefully and It's Raining Arachnids.

Great Titles For Story Fragments

As I'm writing, I sometimes find myself removing scenes or bits of dialogue because they don't work there. If it's a really nice excerpt, however, I save it onto a separate file in case I find a use for it later. Other times, I do the reverse. I'll have a great idea of for a scene or dialogue, but nowhere to put it at the time. So I create a file for this occasion, and I can refer to it later.

Naturally, I have to think of a name to remind me of what the file contains. This has led to some interesting file names, some of which are amusing or just plain weird. Enjoy the following list.

Packing Books

So I have to pack up all of my stuff, and I have an insane amount of it. Belongings seem to grow and multiply when you try to put them into boxes, and quadruple in weight once surrounded by cardboard.

Of course, one thing that helps when moving is asking yourself, "Is there anything here I don't really want or need?" While this method has reduced the amount of stuff somewhat, it still doesn't change the fact that I own a billion things. And in regards to the books I've removed with this method, it's like trying to reduce a dog's weight by brushing out the dead hairs, or trying to put out an enormous forest fire by sneezing at it.

My desire to procrastinate also aids with this problem. In fact, I'm on my computer when I could be packing things. And when I am packing, I find ways to be distracted from it. I just don't want to do it, though it needs to be done, and I'm running low on time.

But in the meantime, please enjoy this list of complaints, excuses, and other things related to the packing process.

Death of a Twinkie

Back in 2013, when the Hostess company was out of business, I found this online. Amazing what some people will buy, isn't it? Naturally, I had to keep the screenshot.

Grading Plagiarism

I saw a hilarious picture online a few years back. If I was a teacher, I would definitely want this stamp for grading work.