Braces

Yes, folks, braces. Those evil medieval torture devices that orthodontists love to torture their patients with. They nail metal brackets to your teeth, then attach a wire to the brackets, which they tighten until the victim is screaming in agony. Then they take you to the Pit of Despair, where they strap you to a machine that sucks away your life.

Okay, so maybe I'm exaggerating a bit. But honestly, having braces isn't very fun. It's an enormous pain. A pain in the mouth, to be more specific. But let me start from the beginning. Let me take you back to a time when I was young and innocent, and had no idea of the miseries that awaited me.

It all began when I started going to the dentist. They examined my mouth, and declared that a number of things ought to be done. I had adult teeth that had failed to come in properly, one of which had said, "Hmm, this baby tooth isn't coming out to make room for me. I'll just grow on the roof of the mouth instead." I'm not even joking, it emerged off to the side of where it should have been, and was just chilling there where it didn't belong. I called it Misplaced Molar.

Anyway, the random baby teeth were removed, and Misplaced Molar was replaced by a gaping hole which eventually closed up. They also said that some of my teeth were kind of crooked, and recommended braces.

So, the horrors began. They began gluing metal brackets to my teeth. Nothing too horrible so far. But then, it turns out that the very back teeth don't get brackets. Oh no, for that, the orthodontist takes these evil little rings of metal, and puts them around the back teeth. It felt more they jammed them on, really.

Then, they pull out a metal wire. They pause for a moment, taking time to throw their heads back and cackle maniacally, before starting the process of snapping it into place in each of the metal brackets and onto the evil rings of death that conclude each side of your mouth. And that's when you realize where the suffering really begins. It begins with that horrible, accursed wire, which is insanely tight, and you're certain it was originally invented in medieval times by some sadistic madman as a form of torture.

In some attempt at mercy, they didn't do the top and the bottom at the same time. Which was good, because just having one wire was plenty enough. Even biting into a banana hurt, my teeth were so sensitive and achy from that incredibly tight wire. They did the top teeth first, and put a wire on the bottom teeth at a later appointment. Luckily, the following wires weren't as bad as the initial ones. My teeth were still kind of sensitive, but it wasn't as awful.

Another aggravating thing was how, every time I ate, I'd have a ton of food caught in my braces. I mean, obscene amounts. They had these special tools called interdental brushes, which looked like a piece of pipe cleaner with a plastic handle. These were used to clean stuff out from the space between the wire and teeth.

As an additional act of cruelty, they told me that there were certain foods I couldn't have, such as taffy, caramel, gum, and other sticky things. You know, all the yummy candies? For the following years, I looked forward to getting those braces off so I could eat caramel again.

Then there were the sores which arose from the wires and brackets rubbing against your gums. I swear, it's like the mouth says, "I don't like this. What should we do? Oh, I know! We'll sprout these weird, fleshy growths!" Let me tell you, the inside of my bottom lip did not look pretty. And of course, these bizarre things caught on the braces, compounding the problem.

As well, sometimes the wire would shift. I once had a wire start to move to one side, and it just kept going. There were one or two brackets on the right that it abandoned entirely, and a mile of pointy wire extending from the left side, poking and catching on the inside of my mouth. I don't recall for certain if I finished the school day or left early, but either way, I basically went straight to the orthodontist upon leaving school. Upon seeing the incredible migration of my braces, he was duly impressed.

There were also these dumb little rubber bands that they introduced later. They hooked onto a bracket on my upper teeth, and then another bracket on the bottom teeth. So in addition to the metal wires, I now had this elastic band connecting my upper and lower teeth. It took a while to get the hang of putting them on and taking them off, especially since they were supposed to be attached to my molars, way in back. Occasionally, the stupid things would snap, stinging my fingers and/or the inside of my cheek. And of course, I had to take them out before eating, and put them back in afterwards, which was an inconvenience. It a little thing, but it's annoying not to just eat a snack or a meal without extra steps beforehand.

Another disadvantage of having braces is P.E.. What does physical education class have to do with braces, you might ask? Well, it all begins with softball, an ironically named sport. Let me tell you, there is nothing soft about those things, and whoever named them has a twisted sense of humor. This fact is all the more evident when some dunderhead with no motor skills, no hand-eye coordination, takes a not-so-softball to their metal-filled mouth. I got a fat lip and a bit of bloodshed from that. Nothing major, but I'm sure my braces did no favors.

All in all, I was glad when the time came to remove the braces and finally be free. Free of the pain, the suffering, the inconvenience...
"Oh, but then you had to get fitted for a retainer, remember? And wear it every night when you go to bed."

Hush. We don't discuss that. We don't talk about a tray of putty or goo or something that had to be put in my mouth, way back where it would nearly kill me. (Thanks for giving me your easily-triggered gag reflex, Dad.) We won't mention holding that thing there for what seemed like an eternity, so they could form a cast of my teeth to make the fitted plastic retainer. 

Though I suppose it could have been worse. In an online writing group I was in, someone else commented that when they had braces, one of their brackets came off and was swallowed. Fortunately, nothing like that ever happened to me. The idea of accidentally swallowing a metal bracket and it travelling through my intestines is an uncomfortable thought. (shudder)

But anyway, that concludes today's episode of 'Forms of Torture That People Claim are Beneficial'. Tune in next week, when we explore the joys of flaming katanas that dentists say are needles to numb the area.