Depression is a multi-faceted thing, with many aspects and thought processes. It's not just about feeling sad and wanting to hide in bed with the covers over your head, about having a gray cloud over your head and dragging your feet with a frown on your face. Depression is a series of unhealthy thought processes and miseries, a sort of mental fatigue, a feeling that you're just tired of everything, done with everything.
And it comes in waves; sometimes you seem okay, and other times you go through periods where you're just in a funk. You feel angry, sad, and/or lacking the desire to do anything. Today, we'll delve into some of the icky realities of depression.
(Item one: it really stinks. Item two: I don't recommend it. Item three...)
And it comes in waves; sometimes you seem okay, and other times you go through periods where you're just in a funk. You feel angry, sad, and/or lacking the desire to do anything. Today, we'll delve into some of the icky realities of depression.
(Item one: it really stinks. Item two: I don't recommend it. Item three...)
Not caring or wanting to care
...About anything, really. You just sit around, uninterested in anything. You're tired of trying, of everything. Maybe you're apathetic towards stuff, or maybe the problem is that you do care, but don't want to. You wish you didn't care, didn't feel. Because not caring seems easier, and then you wouldn't feel the pain, the stress, the worry, everything.
Being angry without cause
Sometimes you get into an irritable mood, even when there's no particular reason. Then you start thinking of all the junk that annoys you, and get yourself in a worse mood. Or maybe you thought you were okay, but then a little thing sets you off and now you're breathing fire.
And at times, you want to snap at people for nothing. Your logical side says there's nothing to be angry with them about, but you want to take out your frustrations on who or whatever happens to be around. You almost want people to give you a reason to lash out, and create scenarios of people doing stupid stuff and you yelling at them for it.
Being totally unmotivated
You should go out more, you should take more walks. You ought to start volunteering at the animal shelter or something, give you stuff to do. Then a year passes, and you've made no move to start volunteering at the shelter. You rarely go on walks because often you just don't feel like it. You make excuse after excuse, you procrastinate to no end.
You also need to write more. You have several short stories, a few novel manuscripts, and about forty blog posts that are unfinished. There's world-building stuff you've been meaning to work on, a long list of things to research...
There's also those dreaded cleaning tasks. You need to dust and sweep, there's a drawer of chaos that looks like stuff was haphazardly thrown in (which, admittedly, is the truth because you're too lazy to put it away nicely), you can't recall when you last washed your bedding, and you've been threatening to clean the bathroom since '96. In fact, you can't recall if the counter is actually yellow, or if the color is just accumulated filth.
Having no energy or immune system
I mean, not that you can always do stuff anyway. Especially if you're going through a horrible time, such as the holidays when you just don't look forward to it. You might spend part of the time moaning and the other time being half-dead.
Maybe you're tired for no good reason. You got plenty of sleep, you haven't done much, but you're ready to go back to bed. You lie in bed, trying to read a book, and you keep wanting to shut your eyes. Just for a moment, you think to yourself. There's no reason you should be this tired during the day, but you're too lazy to move, and it's so nice to shut your eyes... And then you find yourself dozing.
As an added bonus, stress is hard on the body. So you spend a good chunk of the holiday season basically dying from whatever misery your body chooses to dish out. You get sick off and on, and after a while you're absolutely sick of being sick.
You should go out more, you should take more walks. You ought to start volunteering at the animal shelter or something, give you stuff to do. Then a year passes, and you've made no move to start volunteering at the shelter. You rarely go on walks because often you just don't feel like it. You make excuse after excuse, you procrastinate to no end.
You also need to write more. You have several short stories, a few novel manuscripts, and about forty blog posts that are unfinished. There's world-building stuff you've been meaning to work on, a long list of things to research...
There's also those dreaded cleaning tasks. You need to dust and sweep, there's a drawer of chaos that looks like stuff was haphazardly thrown in (which, admittedly, is the truth because you're too lazy to put it away nicely), you can't recall when you last washed your bedding, and you've been threatening to clean the bathroom since '96. In fact, you can't recall if the counter is actually yellow, or if the color is just accumulated filth.
Having no energy or immune system
I mean, not that you can always do stuff anyway. Especially if you're going through a horrible time, such as the holidays when you just don't look forward to it. You might spend part of the time moaning and the other time being half-dead.
Maybe you're tired for no good reason. You got plenty of sleep, you haven't done much, but you're ready to go back to bed. You lie in bed, trying to read a book, and you keep wanting to shut your eyes. Just for a moment, you think to yourself. There's no reason you should be this tired during the day, but you're too lazy to move, and it's so nice to shut your eyes... And then you find yourself dozing.
As an added bonus, stress is hard on the body. So you spend a good chunk of the holiday season basically dying from whatever misery your body chooses to dish out. You get sick off and on, and after a while you're absolutely sick of being sick.
Not liking yourself
You talk about doing this and that, but then you don't. Obviously, you're the laziest slob ever to walk the earth. Add that to your tendency to fly off the handle over trivial things or even nothing at all, your cynical attitude, your major and minor flaws, and everything else about yourself, and you've got a pretty crummy human being.
I mean what have you accomplished in your life? No job, little idea of where you're going. I mean, the list of stuff you could be doing, ought to be doing, is a hundred miles long. You've done nothing, you're a failure, you stink, you are the poster child of hopeless.
Not liking anyone or anything
The world is dark, and many people are jerks and just nasty. You turn on the television, and it's all garbage shows, documentaries on terrible crimes, and news reports saying that there was another shooting. You go onto social media or look at the comments on a YouTube video, and wonder if people ever use their brains. Everything and everyone is horrible, and you wonder if your life would be improved by hiding in a deep dark cave, far away from civilization, and befriend wild animals instead.
Feeling lonely and unimportant
Let's face it, your friends have moved on with their lives. They get a new circle of friends, they've moved or gone to college or whatever. You're not really a part of their lives any more. I mean, they haven't called you lately. You leave voicemails, texts, or online messages occasionally, but it feels like conversations are far and in between.
Okay, maybe they're just busy. But even so, surely they're not that busy. You find yourself irrationally jealous and annoyed because they called their parents, or someone heard from them recently. You've grown estranged from your friends, probably don't cross their minds that often.
Then they get a chance to see them at an event of some sort, but you look at all their friends, you look at the boyfriend or girlfriend they now have, and feel you don't really fit in. You don't even know any of these people. You're an outsider looking in, and instead of being glad to hang out with them, you can't really enjoy it.
Wanting to withdraw and push people away
You talk about doing this and that, but then you don't. Obviously, you're the laziest slob ever to walk the earth. Add that to your tendency to fly off the handle over trivial things or even nothing at all, your cynical attitude, your major and minor flaws, and everything else about yourself, and you've got a pretty crummy human being.
I mean what have you accomplished in your life? No job, little idea of where you're going. I mean, the list of stuff you could be doing, ought to be doing, is a hundred miles long. You've done nothing, you're a failure, you stink, you are the poster child of hopeless.
Not liking anyone or anything
The world is dark, and many people are jerks and just nasty. You turn on the television, and it's all garbage shows, documentaries on terrible crimes, and news reports saying that there was another shooting. You go onto social media or look at the comments on a YouTube video, and wonder if people ever use their brains. Everything and everyone is horrible, and you wonder if your life would be improved by hiding in a deep dark cave, far away from civilization, and befriend wild animals instead.
 |
| Or maybe a volleyball. |
Feeling lonely and unimportant
Let's face it, your friends have moved on with their lives. They get a new circle of friends, they've moved or gone to college or whatever. You're not really a part of their lives any more. I mean, they haven't called you lately. You leave voicemails, texts, or online messages occasionally, but it feels like conversations are far and in between.
Okay, maybe they're just busy. But even so, surely they're not that busy. You find yourself irrationally jealous and annoyed because they called their parents, or someone heard from them recently. You've grown estranged from your friends, probably don't cross their minds that often.
Then they get a chance to see them at an event of some sort, but you look at all their friends, you look at the boyfriend or girlfriend they now have, and feel you don't really fit in. You don't even know any of these people. You're an outsider looking in, and instead of being glad to hang out with them, you can't really enjoy it.
Wanting to withdraw and push people away
If you stopped calling your friends, didn't go on social media, would people notice? If you didn't come out of your room and make an appearance, just stayed in bed, how long would it take before they came in to see how you are?
In fact, what if you just go into your phone contacts, and delete the entries of the people you can rarely, if ever, get a hold of? Remove them from your Facebook friends, cut yourself off completely. They probably wouldn't give much thought to, "Hey, I haven't heard from this person in a while." Why not try it, see if people actually wonder about you, remember you, try to contact you and see how you're doing.
In fact, what if you just go into your phone contacts, and delete the entries of the people you can rarely, if ever, get a hold of? Remove them from your Facebook friends, cut yourself off completely. They probably wouldn't give much thought to, "Hey, I haven't heard from this person in a while." Why not try it, see if people actually wonder about you, remember you, try to contact you and see how you're doing.
Anyway, those are some of my observations about depression. If anyone has questions or thoughts to add to this post, let me know in the comments.
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