How To Drive Like a Doofus

We've all seen them. The people who make mistakes in driving, or do something monumentally absurd or inconsiderate. And you just want to give these people a big hug... around the throat. But then again, sometimes we make mistakes too, ones worthy of facepalming or awkward tales to tell your family and friends. Today, we celebrate the goofs and the outright wrongs associated with operating a vehicle.

Almost passing your driving test

A guy I knew in high school was taking the test to get his driver's license. He was doing great, and seemed guaranteed to pass. On the way back, however, he missed the turn to return to the DMV. He panicked, did an illegal u-turn, and entered the parking lot. Needless to say, he had to retake the test. Oops. On the other hand, if his kid fails their driving test and feels bad, he has a great story to tell.
"Well, it could have been worse. At least you didn't make an illegal u-turn."
"Thanks, Dad. I feel so much better now... No, I'm not laughing at you, really!"

The Goblin King's labyrinth

Some areas seemed specially designed to be mazes, have things poorly labelled and explained, or otherwise be confusing. If, while travelling, you leave the safety of the highway to get gas or food in this city, you can forget your intended destination. There's no leaving this city. Welcome to the Hotel California. But few things make you feel more brilliant than driving aimlessly, totally lost with no idea where you are, or how to find the passage back to the place you were before.

Double parking

Okay, let's move on to the more frustrating things (though the anecdotes are more fun). The best example of this was a guy who parked so he took up multiple parking spots. Some of the other drivers were so impressed, two vehicles parked close to it, one on either side. Now, this was an airport parking lot, so you can guess what happened next. They left on their trips, and left the guy's car rather difficult to get into. I don't know what he did upon discovering that, but I'm sure he wasn't happy that day.
Okay, this was kind of an anecdote too. But don't take up two or three spaces with your one-space-sized vehicle.

Ambulance? What ambulance?

Once, at an intersection, an ambulance came up, light flashing and sirens blaring. At least ten cars went through the intersection, preventing the ambulance from getting by. It makes you wish a police officer was sitting there, writing down every license plate number. "There's a ticket, and another one... oh, I'll be issuing all sorts of tickets today!"
Seriously, you can't possibly have all of those drivers not notice the ambulance sitting right there, or hear the siren. You give the ambulance the right of way, not block its path while someone could be dying. Great job, guys. I give you an A+ for your driving etiquette.

Late to your funeral

With the way you're blazing past everyone, blatantly disregarding the speed limits, you must be. And you can just ignore those double yellow lines, because they don't apply to you. Pass those annoying vehicles stubbornly going the speed limit, even on a blind curve or with cars approaching from the other direction. Make sure to give everyone a heart attack when it looks there might be a head-on collision, all because you're in the wrong lane in a no-passing zone.

Motorcyclists can do whatever they want

Because of their smaller size, they can get into tight spots that other vehicles can't, and they're more maneuverable. So why not weave through lanes of traffic, going at least eighty miles an hour? Because you're really late for your funeral. Considering that motorcycles don't have airbags and three-point seat belts, and their smaller size means they get more smashed up in a collision, reckless driving is an excellent choice. Especially if you want to go flying off your bike, and your carcass scraped off the pavement. 

Isn't my noise pollution so awesomely annoying?

The cars that are souped up, the really loud motorcycles, or any other vehicle that's in desperate need of a good muffler, anything you want to show off. Because nothing sounds cooler than 300 dB obnoxious roaring when you stomp on the gas. And while you're at it, make sure to peel out of an intersection, because that'll really impress people. We love it when you make a big production of your powerful engine, and how fast you can go from zero to sixty. Bonus points if it drowns out the conversation we were having with someone else in the car, or our favorite Owl City song.

'For Better or For Worse' by Lynn Johnston.

Another thing the world appreciates is when you turn up your car stereo to 300 dB. And have the bass going strong. For full effect, roll down the windows so the sound is even more audible. Because we want to hear your favorite album loud and clear while we're stopped at an intersection, or in a parking lot, or lying in bed trying to sleep while you annoy everyone in the neighborhood. And why not feel the bass vibrating our cars or houses, jarring our bones, filling the universe with the endless boom, boom. The world thanks you.

The neighborhood's wake-up call

This is a residential area, with lots of homes packed close together. Maybe it's late at night or early in the morning. Or maybe it's a reasonable hour, but some people work night shifts. So, when others are trying to sleep, what better way to inform the person you're picking up of your arrival, than by honking your horn? Loudly, and repeatedly, and annoyingly. After all, you can't call them with your cell phone, or make the supreme effort of getting out of your vehicle and politely knocking on the door.

As we've already discussed, car stereos are another culprit. I just want to read my book, or watch my show, or whatever I feel like doing while at home, and I don't need to hear music blaring and interrupting it. And so often, the people doing this are playing music I don't even like.