A Letter to the World

Dear World,

I'd like to apologize for the many tasks I've been putting off. I wish I had a reason like "I've been busy," but that's not really the case. It's a general lack of motivation, a feeling of apathy. And maybe that sounds like a cop-out, a lame excuse. But honestly, I'm just in that stage where I don't have the will to do half the stuff I ought to be. I procrastinate almost everything.

Do that book series review? Nope.

Finish various tasks I've promised people? Nope.

Write chapter twenty-six? Nope.

Get anything productive done at all? Nope.

In fact, I can't even get things done outside of writing and internet. I say, "Hmm, I need to clean the bathroom." Then dust continues to build up on the counters. I notice the floor is dirty. But it's apparently easier to live in filth than to sweep.

On a related note, don't look too closely at my room. There's hair, dirt, and dust on the floors. Clothes bought weeks ago sit in their plastic shopping bags, tags and stickers still on them. One drawer is a jumbled mess I can't be bothered to organize and put away properly.

In fact, don't look at anything, except maybe the ceiling. Don't ask about my computer, finally brought out of the storage unit, but still packed in the box. Don't ask when I'll get a desk to put it on. Don't ask about the weeds outside I say I'll pull. Don't ask about anything.

There are times when a person puts off chores like vacuuming or scrubbing the (ugh) toilet bowl. But I've taken this to new levels. The truth is, I'm going through a rough patch. The last two years, in particular, have been hard.

In addition to figuring out who I am and what I want to do with my life, I'm dealing with the fact that a lot has changed. I've moved to a totally new environment, where I don't know many people. Since I lived in the same area for most of my life (15 years), it's a major adjustment. Some of my friends are busy, and we've grown kind of estranged as we've followed our separate paths, so I don't talk to them often. And now that I've moved, I'm far away from most of the people I know.

And on top of that, there's the great big hole I'm not really sure what to do with. When you've known someone, lived with them your entire life, and then you watch them get sick and die, it hurts. When your family dynamic shifts and suddenly there's one less person, it's hard.

Losing someone close to you changes everything. Moving from where you've been much of your life to a new place changes a lot. Change means you have to adapt to a whole new reality, but you don't always know how. You expect things to be one way, wish it was that way, but it's not.

And as you navigate the whirlwind of emotions, you find that you're not quite the same person you used to be. Sometimes you're frustrated by things, not necessarily in your control. Sometimes you feel like you're drifting aimlessly, not sure where to go from here. Sometimes you go through phases where you're trying to do stuff, get things accomplished. But then things don't work out as planned, or you lose steam partway through. Or you know stuff needs to be done, want to get it done... but lack the willpower to get started.

At my best, I have occasional spurts of productivity, and sometimes feel kind of okay. At my worst, I don't want to do anything, sometimes don't even want to associate with the world because I just don't want to make an effort, don't feel like caring about much of anything.

Maybe that sounds awful, but at times I feel like I'm not moving forward in my life, like I can't achieve half the things I want to or don't know how to get there, like even when I try it often doesn't lead anywhere. At times, I just feel down. The past few years have been a roller coaster of events, which would take about a dozen more paragraphs to even begin to describe.

It feels like I'm still waiting for my life to begin, for something to happen, a change for the better. I'm just waiting for when I start to know where I'm going, to feel like I'm getting somewhere and making progress. I'm waiting for the part when I feel like I'm healing instead of languishing, when I'm not so dissatisfied with where I'm at.

Maybe this long speech won't change the fact that I have tasks I've been putting off or doing at a snail's pace. Maybe it won't make that second draft get done within the calendar year, or chapter twenty-six finished sooner. Maybe it won't make the dirt and disarray in my room magically vanish, or those weeds quit growing everywhere.

But at the least, I can admit that I'm human, that I have bad days too, and say that I'm not blowing you off or forgetting when I don't get to stuff right away. I hope you can understand, and be patient with me as I muddle through this difficult transitional period in my life.

Sincerely,

Meowmocha