Kitten of Mass Destruction

Pay no attention to that cute face or tiny stature. She's a threat to all things fragile.

I'm talking about that little brown tabby, the kitten I was looking after while her owners were away. She's more destructive than the 400 lb Rottweiler she shares her home with. They say cats are graceful, but clearly she hasn't learned to harness that magic yet.

So sit down, and allow me to spin you a yarn about the kitten of mass destruction.

An artificial Christmas tree. A lovely thing, a few feet tall, and decorated with lots of little bells. You know what that means, right? Climbing, of course! And it makes all those fun jingling sounds, an absolute delight.

"You know, you're going to tip that thing over one of these days." I told the kitten, who didn't seem at all concerned. Clearly, she didn't believe my words. Falling over, what an absurdity.

And then one day, I heard a crash, and the kitten dashed away from the scene. I sighed at the tree, which had come loose from its base and was now lying pathetically on the tile. Well, at least nothing broke. I picked it up and put it back in its base.

"Now, what have we learned today?" I asked the cat.

Nothing, apparently. Later on, she was climbing it again. Luckily, the tree didn't topple over a second time while I was there.

But wait! There's more!

I was getting my breakfast, and had just heated it up and sat down when I realized I forgot to remove my retainer. So I went into the bathroom to do so, rinsing it off and putting it in its case.

Meanwhile, a small furry creature had followed me, and was by the sink, watching the running water with fascination. I suppose a bit of water must have splashed on her or something, because she suddenly flinched, and in doing so, knocked a frog figurine off the counter. The forefeet broke off, and a rear toe was chipped. Great, just great. I'll have to tell her owners about that later.

That evening, I was sitting on the couch watching a movie on Netflix. The cat was entertaining herself in a corner of the living room, fascinated with the gecko in his enclosure.

A terrible sound of things breaking shattered the calm. I got up to see what had occurred, and the kitten went tearing away like all the evils of Mordor were unleashed.

Remember that gecko enclosure? Well, it happens to be right next to a bar, which has a mini-fridge with glasses on top of it. Except one of these glasses was now scattered behind the bar in about a billion pieces.

I shut the kitten in the guest room so she wouldn't go near the disaster, and didn't let the dog in until I'd picked up the larger pieces of glass and vacuumed the area. I tried to ignore the racket she made as she leapt up and pawed at the door. Sometimes I wonder if one of these days she's going to knock the pane right out of the sliding door.

Surely the kitten couldn't do anything else, right? Wrong. On another pet-sitting expedition, the trouble continued.

There was a lovely house plant on the bar. Until the cat came onto the scene. This looks fun, a wonderful plant with leaves to bat, and stems to grab and chew. And let's lean our forepaws against the stems and stand with part of our weight on the poor plant!

Ever tried to hold a phone with one hand and pull a kitten off a plant with the other? Let me tell you, it's not easy. Especially when the kitten clings to the plant as you're trying to move her. I finally succeeded in getting her away, and put her elsewhere.

Guess where the kitten went? Right back to the plant. I argued with her more, compounded when I found her in danger of tipping the plant. I finally gave up at moving the cat, and instead grabbed the plant with my free hand. I shut it into the guest room, where she couldn't have access to it all the time. Until I'm trying to pack my stuff to leave, that is, and she decides not only that plant is interesting, but another one as well!

On the other hand, at least she's not randomly attacking my hand, or trying to play with dangling socks and waving shirts. She doesn't seem to understand that claws are unnecessary for play, or walking over someone's lap, or...

Let's just hope there's not more incidents in this upcoming saga. Perhaps I'll wrap her in bubble wrap this time. You won't mind that, right? (cat knocks over antique vase)

Yeah, maybe bubble wrap isn't enough. How about I bubble wrap the entire house?

DESTROY!!! MUAHAHA!!!

Yeah, I'm doomed.