Saturday, April 25, 2015

Ways I'm Most Likely To Die

Because I'm somewhat insane, I decided to create a list of probable causes for my death.
CAUTION: May cause uncontrollable laughter, beverages shooting out of nostrils, shortness of breath, and aching sides.

  1. Being run over by a skateboarder. They come out of nowhere and zoom straight toward you, I swear...
  2. Die laughing, probably while listening to Bill Cosby or reading Adam Young's blog.
  3. Consuming too much of Taco Bell's awesome Fire sauce. Either my face will become engulfed in flame, or it will begin to melt.
  4. Die of fright. May be triggered by heights, or seeing a really big spider or scorpion.
  5. Clumsiness. Also known as tripping on a level floor, stubbing toe on hard object, bashing knee on sharp-edged furniture, landing on head, inertia then causing a tumble off cliff, where body will then be skewered by pointy rocks and end up in rapids.
  6. Being trampled to death by an arachnophobe who just saw a Goliath Birdeater tarantula.
  7. Being hit by a flying object during sports. Why they call it a softball is beyond me, as there's nothing soft about it.
  8. Gagging to death during a dentist appointment. Breathe through your nose, they say. Pay no attention to the fact that my hand is down your throat, they say.
  9. Being licked to death by my friend's over-friendly pit bull.
  10. The bugs finally get their revenge on me for all the friends and family of theirs I've killed, and a huge horde of them come at me with fangs, pincers, poison, and stingers. Or, if they're not bugs with defense mechanisms, they'll carry very tiny bazookas.
  11. During a time when I'm overly tired, have eaten too much sugar, or a combination of the two, people will grow so annoyed with my hyper and annoying behavior that they will kill me. And the body shall never be found.
  12. A freak accident involving a banana peel someone left on the ground.
  13. Being electrocuted because my hand accidentally touched a laptop's VGA port. I don't know how I do it sometimes...
  14. While walking on Bagel Street, a safe falls from a fifteen-story building and kills me.
  15. Die of boredom in a waiting room. It's a well-known fact that it takes seven hours to rotate a vehicle's tires.
  16. While attempting to figure out a cell phone, I-Pod, etc., I somehow anger the device, and it self-destructs out of spite.
  17. Perish from heatstroke in a busy store. 

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