Car-Chasing Canine

When my mother was a child, her family had a German Shepherd named Tony. He loved chasing cars, which drove my grandmother crazy. She tried to teach him not to chase cars, but she wasn't having much success.

At one point, someone suggested attaching a long wooden board to his collar. It would get in the way when the dog tried to run, they explained, and the problem would be solved. My grandmother tried this method. When cars came by, Tony gave an expert flip of his head, and the board fell across his back. With the board out of his way, he continued running after passing vehicles.

One day, my grandmother was fed up with it. In anger, she was yelling at Tony and hitting him with a rolled-up newspaper.Tony lay there stoically as she hit him again and again, Then, seeming to decide he was tired of being hit on that side, he rolled over and offered his other side to my grandmother. She couldn't hit much more after that; she was laughing too hard to scold him.

From then on, all my grandmother had to do was pick up a tiny scrap of paper or even a Kleenex, say "Tony!" and the dog would go slinking off, knowing he was in trouble.

Wet Suit

A guy went on a trip to the beach. He rented out a wet suit, grabbed his surfboard, and headed down the crowded street to the beach.

When he got there, he was on his way towards the water when he heard some girls giggling behind him. He also noticed a rather unnerving breeze.

"Hey dude," his friend said, "you've got a tear in your wet suit."

"Yeah, I was just starting to figure that out." the man replied.

Holding his surfboard behind him to cover the tear, he proceeded to walk down the street again and stop by the rental shop for a different wet suit.

"And what I don't understand," he remarked later, "is why no one on that crowded street bothered to mention the hole in the seat of the wet suit."

Investigation of Crime Rates- part 4

Since my return to the United States, not much has changed. There is the unfortunate fact that no one recognizes me since having to change my name and appearance. The other day I saw myself in the mirror and thought someone had broken into my house. There's also the issue of needing to find a new crew for my private jet, seeing as my pilot no longer lives anywhere nearby, my flight attendant in enjoying a great life in Narnia and has no plans to return to the boring planet Earth, and my other flight attendant is still on his safari trip and hasn't been seen in years.

Investigation of Crime Rates- part 3

I flew through the air for a few days, narrowly missing flocks of birds, before the vehicle finally began to descend. Missing a pickup truck by mere inches, I landed with a great thump which jarred my brain greatly. I'm certain it ricocheted off my skull for a few minutes before finally coming to rest in its original position again. Hopefully the rental company wouldn't notice that huge cranium-shaped dent in the vehicle's roof.

Investigation of Crime Rates- part 2

One thing the car rental company neglected to mention was that the vehicle's previous owner was an eccentric old maniac. The man had owned the car since his third month in the womb, and therefore was very fond of it. He also had an affinity for muscle cars, so at one point he had taken the worn-out motor out of the vehicle and replaced it with that of a race car retired from the Indy 500.