Thursday, June 11, 2015

Restless Indecision

I've been feeling rather restless and indecisive lately. I feel like writing, but don't have a chance to when I want to. Then when I have time to write, I feel like staring at the television or playing video games. When I'm sitting at home, I feel like getting out of the house and doing something. When we're going to a doctor's appointment and a shopping trip, all I want is to go home and relax.
Perhaps my real problem lies in the desire to get away from the tedium, the running around, the stress. When I want to go home, what I really want is to escape sitting in a waiting room. When I want to get out of the house, what I really want is to do something fun, hang out with people, and not be bored or burdened with stuff I need to do. My mind wants to escape into a story when everything is happening at once, yet when I have nothing to do, my mind wants to relax and treasure not having stuff to do. But the fact that I need to stop sitting around creeps into my mind, making me feel frustrated from combined guilt and laziness.
Today, as I was questioning myself about what it was that I really wanted, I realized how much I'm looking forward to the day we've planned to go to the theater. It means I'm not running around the house doing various tasks, or sitting around the house with part of myself restless and part of me wanting to be a sloth. It means I'm not walking through the supermarket parking lot in the blazing heat, or watching my parents fill out the umpteenth medical form, or stuck in a long line because of construction being done on a road that doesn't really need construction. The theater means I'm hanging out with friends and family, enjoying myself and watching movies.
And as long as I'm thinking about that, I'd also like to fantasize about going to northern Alaska to escape the summer heat.

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