Over the years, I've seen many funny videos. Whether it's home videos or surveillance footage from a business, whether it's online or on a TV series like 'America's Funniest Home Videos', there's a wide variety of comical things to see.
And, after watching so many of these, I've come up with a few theories on potentially dangerous things. Besides the obvious problem of crazy stunts (it's a wonder more men aren't infertile, considering their tendency to ride their bike off the roof, part company with the bike in mid-air, and land crotch-first on a metal pole), I've noticed a few other common themes with people getting hurt. Here are a few of these observations.
Trampolines
Consisting of a hard metal frame, a million bloodthirsty springs, and a canvas which may eventually tear, these fun, bouncy objects are also malevolent beings waiting to destroy you. Sure, it's great to jump up and down, maybe try a backflip or something if you're adventurous. But the journey of a thousand injuries begins with a single accident.
Even with some trampolines having a mesh around them to make them more contained, sometimes people still find a way to fall off the trampoline. Maybe they misjudged, or lost their balance. Maybe another person or an animal suddenly jumped onto the trampoline, causing the other person to be catapulted off it at 800 MPH.
Then there's the springs. I told you they were bloodthirsty. People occasionally land on the springs, an arm of leg going between them. Or the canvas rips at the worst possible time, and suddenly you're crash-landing on the hard ground. And when did that giant rock get under there? Clearly, some evil person put it there, right around the time they made a small, near-invisible incision in the trampoline so it would split into a three-foot hole when the trampoline was next used.
Drive-Through Zoos
Seems like a fun concept. You drive around, see cool animals, and even feed them from the comfort of your car!
Except for one problem: you're rolling down your windows so a 1000-lb camel can poke its head into your vehicle. And rip the cup of food out of your hands and spill it all over. And rummage through your belongings. And eat your wife's hair. And try to swallow your child's arm whole.
Then the monkeys appear, crawling on your car, and becoming inquisitive about things like side mirrors and windshield wipers, and how much force is needed to remove them from the rest of the car. Then a tyrannosaurus smashes through the sun roof and tries to eat you, and overturns the Jeep, and knocks it off a precipice...
Wait, that last one was Jurassic Park, never mind. But let's face it, some things are better in theory than reality.
Miniature Cars
Aww,
how cute, a tiny vehicle made for your young child to drive around!
Seems perfect, they'll love it! There's nothing more reliable, more
responsible, than a four-year-old operating a small vehicle! They won't
knock over the Christmas tree, or smash up the table, or knock you over
and bruise your shins, or run over their little sister.
Seriously, why are we still giving these things to tiny maniac drivers. There's always a disaster around the next corner.
Small Children
What do you mean, children? Sure, they're dangerous in a child-sized car, but they couldn't be possibly be harmful on their own.
Now, hear me out. Small children are a major threat. They'll be practicing hitting a ball, and shatter your kneecap. They'll throw a toy and smack you in the face. They'll run towards you and cannonball directly onto your stomach. They'll reach out a chubby baby hand and yank on your earring with superhuman strength.
Also, from some of the videos I've seen, it's insanely common for a child to potentially prevent their father, coach, or other male figure in their lives from reproducing in future. Men get smacked in the crotch with the bat originally intended for the piñata. Men get hit in the crotch by flying projectiles. Men get kicked in the crotch by toddler feet. Really, guys should wear an athletic cup at all times when they might be interacting with a small child. Heck, people should wear full suits of armor.
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