Wednesday, August 16, 2017

The Never-ending Name

So learning new things is fun. Awhile back, I saw an unbelievably long word, and I'm sure the guy who typed it was laughing maniacally when he shared it with the online world. Now what is this word, you might ask? Certainly it couldn't be that long.
All right, then, here it is: Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

How To Answer A Phone

Ever have the phone ring at a really inopportune time? Like, say, when you're lying in bed in the morning, and don't want to get up? Or perhaps when you have two dogs on your lap, pinning you down for all eternity? Bonus points if they're sleeping (about 97% of the time) and you don't want to disturb them.
Here is an accurate depiction of what happens when the phone rings.

Saturday, August 5, 2017

Yours, Mine, and Meows

"There's no more 'mine' and there's no more 'yours'. From now on, everyone and everything is 'ours'." (from the film 'Yours, Mine and Ours')

I know a cat who believes in such a philosophy.

"Are you sure you'll be able to finish that?"
"Let me just cannonball onto the table." (aren't cats supposed to be graceful?)
"Ooh, this looks interesting."
"Why does she keep putting her hand between me and the food?"
"If you want, I can clean that plate for you."
"Foolish human, she thinks the food and the plate belong to her."

Now, if anyone says that it's only dogs who stare longingly at your food, and might try to 'help' you eat it, I'm going to laugh. And the problem with cats is, they can jump far and reach all the high places... like the dining table, for instance.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Adulting

As kids, we imagine what it would be like to be an adult, and the expectations are different from reality.We find ourselves thinking, "I'm not an adult! I'm still too immature and irresponsible and clueless to be an adult!" We also realize this wasn't what we signed up for. This is hard, and more demanding than we had anticipated. All those daydreams about being a grown-up were silly, impossible fantasies.
Below are some of the realities we face when we grow up and find ourselves forced to act like an adult.

Saturday, July 29, 2017

A Three-Year-Old's Favorite Word

In web design terms, this is how a three-year-old's mind is programmed.

<a question id="child" loop="infinite">
Why?
</a>

Note that as I work on this blog post, my second cousin has asked "Why?" multiple times to her grandmother.

Monday, July 24, 2017

A Cat's Guide to Eating

I'm looking after two cats right now, and earlier one of them exhibited an interesting method of eating dinner. Make sure to show your animals this guide, as it will be helpful to them in coming up with new ways to make you shake your head at them.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

King Canine

Yesterday, I had an intriguing thought. If an important ruler were cursed and turned into an animal of some sort, how would the situation be dealt with? Would the government try to cover up that the king was now a dog? Would they make the servants swear to secrecy? And how would the family react? After all, the queen's husband now has a tail and floppy ears, and the crown prince finds the awkward situation of his father literally barking a lecture at him.
And imagine what people would have to do in order to hide this problem. Claim that the king is stepping out of public eye. If guests come over, they'd have to claim he was ill and that's why they couldn't see him.
How would the victim react to this? He can no longer speak, which he may frequently forget, resulting in people randomly being whined and barked at. Plus, the awkward change in how his meals are served. Imagine a royal dining hall with a dog sitting on a chair, front paws on the table as he eats off a plate. And no silverware, either, certainly a change from the typical dignity and etiquette of a royal. And getting used to walking on all fours could take some getting used to.

In case you're wondering where this brilliant idea came from, look no further. 

King transformed into a dog
Super Mario Bros 3, NES version. The king's so much cuter as a dog, don't you think?

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

It Doesn't Exist

Here's a terrific fun fact for today.


This, of course, brings up all sorts of philosophical questions. Why keep Bielefeld a secret? Is there a secret Area 51 they want no one to know about? Is it a town made entirely of gelatin, and they didn't want the public to learn about it, lest they eat it all and the town be no more? Or is it a hoax, and they're claiming this mythical place is actually real?

Saturday, July 1, 2017

Library Garden

My friend and I went to the library a week or so ago. It was only about a mile away, she said, so we could just walk there. So we left, on our journey to the library. It turned out to be longer than we thought, so we walked for about forty-five minutes to an hour. The best part was when we passed a rotating sprinkler. My friend saw her opportunity, and ran across. I foolishly followed her, and the sprinkler hit me in the ear. She laughed at for a long while.
We arrived there, and the two bookworms were in heaven. I wanted to get a library card, but I didn't have an ID card. I have applied for one at the DMV, though, so when it arrives, I'm going to check out that interesting book I found and started reading, along with about a billion others I'm sure to discover when I explore further.
There was a garden outside the library, which my friend wanted me to see. It had tons of roses, her favorite flower, so she was happy. And it smelled wonderful, too. I had brought my camera, so I proceeded to take over a hundred photos. (I'm not even kidding.) I was playing with the camera settings, seeking  the perfect picture to do justice to the awesomeness. My friend got bored waiting for me, and sought refuge on her phone.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Land of Scorpions

Enclosed are directions for living in an area plagued by scorpions.

  1. Walk around the house and suddenly feel a stabbing pain.
  2. Find a scorpion in the region you were walking, lying flat on the floor to divert suspicion.
  3. Pick up a shoe and smash the offending creature, then clean up the remains.
  4. Wash hands to remove any traces of arachnid guts.
  5. Dry hands on a terry cloth scorpion.
  6. Repeat steps 3 and 4, then use a safe hand towel.
  7. Search every nook and cranny of the house for more scorpions.
  8. Satisfied that you're safe, lie down on the couch or bed.
  9. Be stabbed in the face by a pillow.
  10. Repeat steps 3 and 4, grumbling all the while.
  11. Go to bed, your dreams plagued by giant scorpions with glowing red eyes.
  12. Wake up and get dressed.
  13. Scream in agony and throw shirt across the room.
  14. Repeat steps 3 and 4.
  15. Fantasize about living in the Arctic Circle, where it's too cold for scorpions to thrive.
  16. If you didn't move to a scorpion-free region, start over at step 1.  

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Great Titles For Story Fragments

As I'm writing, I sometimes find myself removing scenes or bits of dialogue because they don't work there. If it's a really nice excerpt, however, I save it onto a separate file in case I find a use for it later. Other times, I do the reverse. I'll have a great idea of for a scene or dialogue, but nowhere to put it at the time. So I create a file for this occasion, and I can refer to it later.
Naturally, I have to think of a name to remind me of what the file contains. This has led to some interesting file names, some of which are amusing or just plain weird. Enjoy the following list.

  1. annoying guy
  2. banister of temptation
  3. If Jack is late again
  4. insolent prince
  5. Jacob the grim reaper
  6. Orinth vs Snake
  7. rose bush of pain
  8. secret eagle
  9. yelling at Brendon (again)
  10. Yelling at Jaceo

Admittedly, many of the excerpts contained in those files have humor value. And admittedly, sometimes I get goofy and try to invent a comical name. But yes, I am strange and somewhat crazy. And what can I say? File names like these make life more interesting. 

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Packing Books

So I have to pack up all of my books, and I have an insane amount of them. They seem to grow and multiply when you try to put them into boxes, and quadruple in weight once surrounded by cardboard.
Of course, one thing that helps when moving is asking yourself, "Is there anything here I don't really want or need?" While this method has reduced the amount of stuff somewhat, it still doesn't change the fact that I own a billion things. And in regards to the books I've removed with this method, it's like trying to reduce a dog's weight by brushing out the dead hairs, or trying to put out an enormous forest fire by sneezing at it.
My desire to procrastinate also aids with this problem. In fact, I'm on my computer when I could be packing things. And when I am packing, I find ways to be distracted from it. I just don't want to do it, though it needs to be done, and I'm running low on time.
But in the meantime, please enjoy this list of complaints, excuses, and other things related to the packing process.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Death of a Twinkie

Back in 2013, when the Hostess company was out of business, I found this online. Amazing what some people will buy, isn't it? Naturally, I had to keep the screenshot.

Twinkie coffin sold online

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Grading Plagiarism

I saw a hilarious picture online a few years back. If I was a teacher, I would definitely want this stamp for grading work.


Gandalf 'you shall not pass' stamp on research paper

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

The Silhouette in the Hall

One day, my friend was in the bathroom getting ready to go somewhere. She was Face-Timing with her mother, and thought she was alone in the house.
Just then, she saw a tall, looming silhouette of a man in the hall. She screamed bloody murder, staring in wide-eyed horror. In her panic, she didn't realize the man was actually their roommate. Startled by this reaction and not knowing why she was screaming, he cowered in a ball against the wall. He was terrified to look behind him, thinking there was someone behind him that prompted this shriek.
Finally, her brain registered that it was their roommate, and not a random stranger who broke into the house to kill her. She then started laughing at the situation. Their roommate couldn't figure out what was funny, but she was laughing too hard to explain. In confusion, he began looking through the house for the serial killer he still feared might be in the house.
The neighbors, who heard the deafening screams, hurried over to the house to investigate. My friend tried to tell them everything was fine, but they were unconvinced, and insisted on going through the house themselves to make sure that she was telling the truth.
Meanwhile, her mother, who had been forgotten in the chaos, was freaking out. All she knew was that her daughter suddenly screamed, then vanished. She called every family member she could, telling them that something was going on. My friend's uncle, who didn't have a car, somehow managed to secure a vehicle shortly after hearing about this, and hurried to the house.
Upon discovering the panic she had created in her mother, my friend called her mother, and spent about an hour trying to calm her down and assure her that it was just a false alarm. "I've never heard you scream like that." her mother said. "I never want to hear anything like that again!" 
When my friend's father heard about the string of events her ear-splitting scream caused, he told her, "Well, at least we know if anything actually happens to you, it won't go unnoticed."

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Late Night Scares

A group of girls were at a sleepover, and they were all telling scary stories in the dark .After a while, they were all thoroughly creeped out, to the point where no one wanted to walk down the dark, spooky hallway to the bathroom alone.
So one girl escorted the other through the hall. As they approached, the second girl thought, Hey, wouldn't it be funny if I pretended to be pulled into the bathroom by something? Upon reaching the door, she acted like something was dragging her in. Her horrified escort shrieked and ran for her life down the hall.
Good to know you have a brave protector if something happens, right?

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Guide Cats

While taking the online DMV practice test, I saw an interesting question.

The primary traveling aids for a blind person include:

One of the multiple-choice answers is "a red cane and a trained guide cat". Now, how many people have seen a trained guide cat? I sure haven't. In fact, I haven't seen many people walking their cat at all, save for on television. And even less of those cats were actually walking on the leash. But seriously, people, don't drag your poor cat across the ground. Unless you want to be a scratching post later, or find cat poop in your shoe.
Of course, some people have actually got their feline to walk with them on a leash. Now you can parade around town, showing off your beautiful tabby, or Siamese, or whatever the case might be.

Cat on halter and leash


Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Placeholder Names

Let's face it, as writers, we want the perfect names for everything. We're perfectionists in every way, always striving for perfection in spelling, grammar, plot, character development, etc. And did I mention we want everything to be perfect?
However, there are times when we have to mention something in our story, though we haven't decided yet what it's going to be called. That's what placeholder names are for. Just a temporary blob of letters until you decide the name of that character, or town, or landmass, or fictional man-eating plant species. Come to think of it, sometimes placeholder names can have some amusing results. Let's explore some examples, shall we?

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Computer Programs- Now 20% More Obnoxious

As the proud owner of a Windows Vista desktop that's on its eighth year, I get to enjoy all the perks of having the same PC for a long time. My personal files and games are here, the settings are as I like them, and the OS is familiar to me. I also get to bask in the knowledge that everyone in the technology business points and jeers and throws rocks at me and my trusty computer. 
For example, several months ago, Google Chrome was gracious enough to inform me that it will no longer receive updates, because they no longer support XP and Vista users. And it informs me, and it informs me, every time I open the browser. I get the point, Google. You think I own a fossil. And now Gmail is yammering on about how my version of Chrome is longer supported. Wow, you don't say. I had no idea my Chrome version was out-of-date.
More recently, Microsoft Security Essentials decided to have an annoying little window that tells me I won't receive updates much longer. Every day, sometimes twice in a single day, it tells me I'm going to lose support.

Really, there's no greater treat than listening to the computer programs gripe at me. Nothing beats a bombardment of things like this:

  • "Nyah, nyah, nyah!" (blows raspberry)
  • "♫Nobody like you, everybody hates you, guess you'll eat some worms. Big ones, little ones, fat ones, skinny ones, twenty-four hours a day.♪♫"
  • "Yo, Meow! We're, like, totally cutting you off from those rad updates you like so much."
  • "Your computer is over the hill now. Hey, were dinosaurs still walking the Earth when you first got that thing? You know, you could sell that to a antique shop and get loads of money."
  • Ted Allen:  "Meowmocha, you have been chopped."
  • "Woah, I didn't know any of these things were still running!"
  • "Hate to break it to you, mate, but we're kicking you to the kerb."
  • "The field investigators in your sector have classified you as obsolete, this finding carries with it serious implications... You have no function, Mr. Wordsworth, er, computer, you're an anachronism, like a ghost from another time."




So, how do you deal with a situation like this? There's some very simple solutions to the problem.

For example, the NES Zapper. Among the delights of my childhood, the Zapper is perfect for shooting 8-bit ducks out of the sky. Unfortunately, the game designers don't let you shoot the dog when it laughs at you, which he does every time you fail to bring down the quarry. But I digress. The point is, the Zapper can also be used for a second purpose: shooting down those annoying notifications. You calling me obsolete? (bang)

NES Zapper and Duck Hunt game


Of course, this method isn't guaranteed. You might not have an NES Zapper, and besides that, they don't work properly on those new-fangled LCD screens. So let's move on to Option Two: Stress Reducers. It's an old computer program which takes a screenshot of your desktop, then allows you to express yourself with chain saws, flame-throwers, phasers, and other fun weapons of destruction.



Boy, that makes those annoying computer issues seem fun, don't you think? "Why, thank you. I wanted you to tell me the program quit responding." (sets error message on fire)
So now you know what to do the next time a computer is giving you a hard time. And remember, kids, you heard it from Meowmocha. Recommend me to your friends the next time they need tech support!


Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Apathy to the Nth Degree

Going onto my e-mail and being reminded of things I keep meaning to do and haven't done yet, like giving my feedback on a story I'm beta-reading.
Then I went to NaNoWriMo and saw more things I haven't done yet. Someone messaged me asking if I wanted to collaborate with them on something. That was weeks ago, and I still hadn't replied. The long waiting period somehow made it feel worse that I was declining.
And then there's the NaNo newsletter saying "HEY! Have you announced your novel yet?" I'm not even sure which project I'll work on. It seems like when I announce one thing, I wind up working on another project more, so I might as well put both of them on the list. And everything reminds me that I haven't done much writing lately.
Anyone else have a period where they feel like they should be doing stuff and feel guilty about not doing it, yet they're extremely unmotivated to actually do anything?

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Sneezeoactive

To celebrate the annual cold and flu season, I have provided some fitting music. This is best sang to the tune of 'Radioactive' by Imagine Dragons.

I feel it in my nose,
My throat, my head and everywhere else,
Welcome to the new daze, to the new daze,
Welcome to the new daze, to the new daze,
Oh oh oh oh oh,
Oh oh oh oh oh,
I'm Sneezeoactive, sneezeoactive,
Oh oh oh oh oh,
Oh oh oh oh oh,
I'm Sneezeoactive, sneezeoactive!

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Generation Z in the Future

People from Generation Z (born 1996 or later) find smart-phones, CDs, and high-speed internet familiar. Those from an earlier generation grew up with vinyl records or tapes, and some didn't have cell phones and internet when they were children. Many of these things may be considered old to a Generation Z individual. However, what will this technology be regarded as in future generations?