Thursday, April 30, 2015

Rednecks

At one point, I was thinking of various redneck jokes and started making new ones up.

If you've been driving for an hour and have only seen three other cars in all that time, and you consider that to be bad traffic, you might be a redneck.
If the worst traffic jam you've experienced all year was because of a cattle drive, you might be a redneck.
If your closest neighbor is five miles away, you might be a redneck.
If you regularly drive a tractor on the road, you might be a redneck.
If your car has been so filthy, for so long, that you've forgotten what the paint color is, you might be a redneck.

Saturday, April 25, 2015

Ways I'm Most Likely To Die

Because I'm somewhat insane, I decided to create a list of probable causes for my death.
CAUTION: May cause uncontrollable laughter, beverages shooting out of nostrils, shortness of breath, and aching sides.
  1. Being run over by a skateboarder. They come out of nowhere and zoom straight toward you, I swear...
  2. Die laughing, probably while listening to Bill Cosby or reading Adam Young's blog.
  3. Consuming too much of Taco Bell's awesome Fire sauce. Either my face will become engulfed in flame, or it will begin to melt.
  4. Die of fright. May be triggered by heights, or seeing a really big spider or scorpion.
  5. Clumsiness. Also known as tripping on a level floor, stubbing toe on hard object, bashing knee on sharp-edged furniture, landing on head, inertia then causing a tumble off cliff, where body will then be skewered by pointy rocks and end up in rapids.
  6. Being trampled to death by an arachnophobe who just saw a Goliath Birdeater tarantula.
  7. Being hit by a flying object during sports. Why they call it a softball is beyond me, as there's nothing soft about it.
  8. Gagging to death during a dentist appointment. Breathe through your nose, they say. Pay no attention to the fact that my hand is down your throat, they say.
  9. Being licked to death by my friend's over-friendly pit bull.
  10. The bugs finally get their revenge on me for all the friends and family of theirs I've killed, and a huge horde of them come at me with fangs, pincers, poison, and stingers. Or, if they're not bugs with defense mechanisms, they'll carry very tiny bazookas.
  11. During a time when I'm overly tired, have eaten too much sugar, or a combination of the two, people will grow so annoyed with my hyper and annoying behavior that they will kill me. And the body shall never be found.
  12. A freak accident involving a banana peel someone left on the ground.
  13. Being electrocuted because my hand accidentally touched a laptop's VGA port. I don't know how I do it sometimes...
  14. While walking on Bagel Street, a safe falls from a fifteen-story building and kills me.
  15. Die of boredom in a waiting room. It's a well-known fact that it takes seven hours to rotate a vehicle's tires.
  16. While attempting to figure out a cell phone, I-Pod, etc., I somehow anger the device, and it self-destructs out of spite.
  17. Perish from heatstroke in a busy store. 

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Still In Prayer

My father has an infection in his elbow, and at the site where the arteries from his leg for his bypass surgery. He'll have to be in the hospital for a while until the infection clears out, so please continue to keep him in your prayers for his recovery.

'Graystone' Has Arrived

So, I finally got the book I've been so eager to read. After ordering it online with one of the many gift cards I've accumulated, I waited with bated breath for the wonderful story to arrive. When we checked the mail today, there was a package which had a shipping and return address handwritten on it. Upon seeing 'Darkwoods Inc.' as the return address, I cried, "Yes!".
Upon getting into the house, I eagerly peeled away the clear duct tape and opened the package. Inside, I found 'Graystone', the third book of the 'Darkwoods series' by Marta Stahlfeld. The book was also signed by the author on the inside, which I found rather cool.
I also enjoyed the unique way the protective wrapping for the book was sealed. I will now associate the book and the author with 'Angry Birds' duct tape.



Sunday, April 19, 2015

Diaries

A lot of people have kept, or perhaps still are keeping, a diary. I, on the hand, have never really been the sort of person to keep a diary.

When I was young, most of my entries were just random stuff that I wrote for fun, and of course I took pleasure in illustrating them. As I grew older, the diary was more frequently used to vent about something that upset me. But it wasn't very often that I wrote in it when I was upset. Sometime around junior high, I stopped writing in the diary altogether, and it just became part of the enormous collection of journals, sketchpads, and notebooks.
Part of the reason, I think, was because I never felt much of a need to write in it, and never really got into a habit of writing in it. The other reason was because when I looked back at some of the things I had written in the past, I hated them. It seemed that whenever I tried to express my emotions when upset, what I wrote didn't sound like me at all. It sounded like some messed-up or ungrateful kid. I sometimes over-exaggerated things, or complained about stuff that really didn't matter. At one point in time, I actually went through my diary and tore out all of the pages that I didn't like, and those pages were thrown away.

Then again, maybe the problem is something different entirely. Perhaps it's just a matter of perception, and how it often changes over time. The things that seem so important at the time are later seen as trivial. In the long run, that argument you had with someone is as significant as a single speck of dust amid miles of desert sand. And of course, there's the simple fact that a person's worst critic is themself. We tend to focus too much on our past mistakes and criticize ourselves too harshly.
So I don't really keep a diary. It's not the style I prefer to express myself in, and it didn't work well for me in the past. These days, I typically express my thoughts through poetry, fiction stories, or on my blog. It tends to work better for me, and I'm usually more satisfied with the result. Everyone has ways of expressing themselves, they just have to find what works best for them.

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Best Sister Friend

I invited my friend over, and the following day we went out to do errands and take Dad to a doctor's appointment. My friend and I saw the movie 'Home', which was good. We also went to a crafts store, where we wandered around looking at interesting stuff until my mother called us because it was time to leave.
What was funny was that throughout the day, various people kept thinking that my friend and I were sisters. At one point, someone told my mom that she had beautiful daughters. I suppose we do look somewhat alike.
I joked that I don't have best friends, I have sisters. I've known some of my friends so long, and we both know each other's families so well, I suppose it's almost true.